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Aleeza Ben Shalom
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Episode 137: Aleeza Ben Shalom (of Netflix's Jewish Matchmaking) returns to the podcast to discuss her new book, "Matchmaker Matchmaker: Find Me a Love That Lasts".
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Matchmaking and Love Lasting Relationships
Speaker 1Welcome to Andy's Modi . We are back here in the studio with Elisa Ben Shalom , the Jewish matchmaker Netflix superstar . First of all , you look stunning , beautiful . I love whatever you're wearing .
Speaker 2This is my cape , because you know I'm a superhero . Matchmakers are miracle workers .
Speaker 1you know A hundred percent superhero matchmaker , and she's here again with us . We loved it so much . When you were here last time . I learned so much , so many things , and now you have a new book .
Speaker 3Matchmaker , matchmaker .
Speaker 1Matchmaker , matchmaker , find me a love that lasts .
Speaker 2Right Bam , you don't just want love .
Speaker 1No .
Speaker 2You want a love that lasts .
Speaker 1Amen .
Speaker 2Do you know that only 2% of marriages make it over 60 years ? Well , I mean 6% of marriages make it over 50 years .
Speaker 1Can you imagine being married 60 years and then you go ? Enough is enough , Enough is enough .
Speaker 3That's it . But I mean , you're probably dead after that , right ?
Speaker 1No , it's not true at all People who live into their deep 80s that are married for over 60 years . The problem .
Speaker 2Modern day people don't get married till later . So if you don't get married till 40 , you don't really have a shot . Is that a problem ?
Speaker 1Wait a minute . So I'm going to challenge you on that . I think it's become very Lindsay to get married early Now . A lot of young couples are getting married , A lot of young , obviously . A lot of couples are getting married early Now we're trying to bring it back in .
Speaker 3Aliza's bringing it back in to get married . But I want to tell you something Most marriages over 50% of marriages end in divorce , Right . Most marriages , over 50% of marriages end in divorce , right . And when you get married younger , like you're 21 , you're a totally different person by the time you're 40 .
Speaker 2Yeah , but you can grow up and grow together . And like you know , you got to keep bringing yourselves back .
Speaker 3I didn't get married until I was 35 . And I think that I was like one of the last one of my friends to get married and it's I should have never no .
Speaker 1I should have never gotten married . Yes , yes , no , I want to tell you something when you're sitting . So we talked about this last time and people always ask me I guess I'm a Jewish figure . I'm a political figure . You're not a political figure , Jewish figure , I'm a political figure .
Speaker 3You're not a political figure , public figure , you're a public figure .
Speaker 1And they ask these questions and they should have dated . I'd never been on one . I found my beshert on a train , but I did , I really did . But , like these people are sitting on shudduk dates where they're meeting somebody that they might be married to , I think the main thing in your head is where is this person going to be in 20 years and where am I going to be and are we going to be suitable for each other ? Because the person you are now and the person you're in 20 years from now is two different people .
Speaker 2The only person we know is the person you are today , right ? Did we know I was going to go on Netflix and do a show and be a woman who moved to Israel with five kids , and then she's the one flying out after she flew everybody ?
Speaker 1into Israel right .
Speaker 2We didn't know that that was the plan right , but we knew that the plan was get married , live a meaningful life and build a beautiful family together , and then , whatever that becomes , you still have to like , bring yourselves back to center .
Speaker 3It's like this , coming and going you have to be willing to grow . If you don't grow , you break .
Speaker 2I mean what ?
Speaker 3are you going to do ? Wow , you can use that .
Speaker 2If you don't grow , you break .
Speaker 1First of all if you don't bend it's the tree that bends in the wind . You big ding dong . If you don't bend , you break . If you don't bend , you break . Oh God , you're a fortune cookie Horrible . I should hit you with that book . No .
Speaker 3You have to cover the top if you're going to hit me with it , though .
Speaker 1Are we doing that yet ? No , let's wait a minute . What's this book like ? What's the ? What's the ? What's the kishkas Like ? What's the meaning of this book ? Yeah , okay .
Speaker 2What I love about this book .
Speaker 1Yes .
Speaker 2Is that it's a phenomenal read , right ? Besides the wisdom that's in there , sometimes like you have to read a book and like to get to the wisdom , it's like a drink cup . It's almost like you're reading fiction and like , boom , you get wisdom through it . So you hear all of my client stories , which we changed the names to protect the innocent right .
Speaker 2And the guilty and the and the , whatever , um , and all the stories . Like the storylines we changed , but like at the Kishkas of it , at the root of it , you have the real story of the client and then you see like a Lisa woven through it . So it's I guess it's similar to the show where you've got like a client , you've got an example , this is what's happening . And then you get to the end and it's like , okay , so how do I apply that to my life ? And then you open it up and you're like , oh , look , tips and tools for me . So it's such a good read and it's great for singles because , hey , you could help yourself , but you could also help a friend , because I think that you don't have to be a matchmaker to make a match . Anyone can make a match .
Speaker 1Or to give somebody a piece of advice , a nugget of advice that they might pick up from your book .
Speaker 2But everybody can make a match . I have made a match , see .
Speaker 3But he wound up being a pathological liar and they got divorced .
Speaker 1Never .
Speaker 2Okay , anyway , thanks for sharing that . We'll cut that part out .
Speaker 3Just kidding . No , so maybe you do need to be a professional , but I have passed your advice that you gave on this show last time to one of my girlfriends .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 3Which was I said don't touch until the fifth date , didn't you say that ? And then she was like , oh , this guy's awful . And I said if it's not a no , it's a go . And so I said keep going out with him .
Speaker 1And then you had another one date him till you hate him all the same what I took from you was there's 15 million Jews in the world and 15 million ways to be Jewish . Right , it's such an amazing .
Speaker 2It feels good when you hear that .
Speaker 1Yes .
Speaker 2Because you're part of the clout , but your identity is not lost as who you are .
Speaker 1Right , you're part of the community . Right , it's a community . Right , you're part of the community .
Speaker 2Right , it's a community . We are one .
Speaker 1Right .
Speaker 2And we are ourselves also Correct Simultaneously .
Speaker 3I just want to say that the page that I opened up to the book says I haven't told her yet about my anxiety . I didn't want to bring in the heavy stuff too early .
Speaker 2Yeah , that's a good idea . Don't bring in the heavy stuff too early , I mean a lot of people are like listen , they have to love me for who I am , accept me for who I am . I'm like good , but not on the first date . On the first date , right , you show up with a smile , the anxiety , just you know , apparently .
Speaker 1Hold it in a fiddle and it's so . You know , I obviously follow you on Instagram and you're living in Israel , where that's a nightmare and there's always a smile on your face . There's always some happiness coming to you . There's a few pages that when you land on , there's going to be a smile and I hope that mine makes that , but you also Yours is a smile and a laugh , mine is just a smile .
Speaker 2It's fun .
Speaker 1You're having fun at what you're doing . I love it . Yeah , and now is making matches in Israel harder than like making them here in America ?
Speaker 2Israel is different . So Israelis are really marriage-minded , Like they're very family , community-minded right Every week . But you don't have to be religious .
Speaker 1They get married young . They get married young .
Speaker 2It's like go to school , go to the army , get right and then figure yourself out right they figure themselves out . They do university , they do figuring out their first job with their person , as they're growing up . They literally grow up together and they build a life together and they figure it out on the road here in america . It's like become who you are , have everything , insert person into life . Poof like make it work right it's not the right recipe .
Speaker 2It's not the right order for the recipe it is . It's a good recipe . It's just like you put the ingredients in the wrong order . If you put it in the wrong order , it doesn't always work .
Speaker 1Okay , well , I look , I'm a baker .
Speaker 2It's a thing . It's a thing , it's a baker yeah .
Speaker 1Well , I met my , my soulmate uh , while I was already working , but obviously with him it began to be a bigger thing . It only helped Imagine I was with well , he wasn't born yet , but when I began . My husband and I have an age gap too .
Speaker 2He jokes about it . He's like I couldn't get married at 25 . You were 15 .
Speaker 1Right , yeah , but but yeah , things , things , things , things happen and we we don't control what happens , but we can .
Speaker 2Control our response to what happens .
Speaker 1We can control our thoughts . We can control our thoughts .
Speaker 3You must get invited to a lot of weddings . I do , oh that's , do you go ?
Speaker 2So I used to go much more For a fee For a small fee .
Speaker 2No , I used to go much more . I actually came in on one of my tours , somebody that I was very close with , who really took me in and loved me like no other , and she's like , listen , if you could come to my wedding , I'm like when is it ? She's like we're not sure yet . I'm like I need to know the date . I'm planning a tour and if you tell me the date , maybe I could like fly in , fly out , like make it that moment . I went to her wedding . She's like , don't worry , it's 20 minutes from the airport . I flew out that night and I made her wedding .
Speaker 1That's so nice , that's so sweet .
Speaker 2It was really a blessing , but I miss a lot . I really miss a lot . And people are like , oh , I wish you could come . And I was like I wish too , like I need the tele . You know teleport like snap . Oh , I'm there you know right that's what I really need that's the expression actually they zoom me in now , so um one person . These will send us a recording we'll like put you on the screen .
Speaker 2So I gave them a toast because I made the match actually it was for somebody that was on the show , not one of the , but one of the daters who shall remain anonymous . But after the show I was like , okay , it didn't work out on the show and I have a great match . And it was a real like slow grow and thank God they got married and they're like come to the wedding . I was like it's like two days before Rosh Hashanah , I can't . So I sent them a video and I gave them blessings and Mazel Tov and my friends that were at the wedding they're like we saw you and I was like , yay , I just don't get to see you .
Speaker 1I'll tell you a funny story . We spoke about it on the podcast , but I was invited to be at a wedding in Monaco . There was a couple that got married and the wife knew that the husband to be was a fan and so she wanted to surprise him by having me come and emcee the event . And you know , and we came , as I said , but I'll also do the seventh bracha in the chuppah , if you want . So that was the first time he was seeing that I was at this wedding and it was the craziest thing Did he go nuts .
Speaker 2What Did he go , nuts ? He Did he go nuts .
Speaker 1He went nuts . I think I told the story on the podcast before . But we get to the wedding . I was a surprise and they had this wedding happening and the service was way too long . It was way too long . It was not . The guy did not know his audience and then I came up and I said to them . I said I said I came up , the groom's face just dropped , what am I ? And I was dressed in a capota . I was dressed in a full capota , the black robe , and then I said I'm not going to mention their names , but like Bill and Harriet , I hope that your marriage , your lives and your happiness last as long as this ceremony . And that was like . And then it was great and then , like , the father of the bride was sick and couldn't make the event , and that just happened before , and I feel like my presence there , just like relieved that energy . But yeah , weddings are insane . Yeah , weddings are insane . It's such
Building Beautiful Relationships for the World
Speaker 1a blessing to go . You sing , you dance , yeah , this .
Speaker 2She came over to me and um bride she's this bride , bride , thank you she . She's like thank you , and I'm so happy you're here . I'm like thank you , and , like you know , smile , take a picture for the camera , right , that's what you do and move on , go back to your guests . She like stayed with me for a half an hour . I was like you have to go back and dance with your people . She's like no , and we're like off the dance floor on the side . She's dancing with me it was such .
Speaker 2Yeah , it was the most gorgeous thing . She was Libby Libby Walker , who's uh now Libby Shio . I think I got her name right , the new last name .
Speaker 1I only know old names , not new names okay , and and besides that , so from so this , how's it selling ?
Speaker 2Good People love it . The great thing about it , it's Jewish wisdom for the world . So you don't have to be Jewish to read the book . You don't even have to be single to read the book . It really helps anybody who's in a relationship or no , who wants to get into a relationship .
Speaker 1If you're in a relationship and you need soulmate clarity , you can use it , and if you just don't know what to do and you'd like to help match people you can just download my brain . You just read the book and you got all my wisdom .
Speaker 2Do you have an audio copy of it ?
Speaker 3Yes , that's your speed .
Speaker 1Yeah , I'm on a treadmill . We'll put you on .
Speaker 3I'll read . I'll read . I was going to say I won't leave you a book .
Speaker 1I'll leave you a book . I'll read the book .
Speaker 2I was going to say I won't leave you a book .
Speaker 1I'll leave you a book . I'll read the book . No , leave me a book . Leo reads books like that . Yeah , okay , he'll love it , he'll love it , he'll love it . What else is happening besides the book ? What's going on in the show-wise and Netflix-wise and theory of like you don't ?
Speaker 2have to be a matchmaker . Anyone can make a match is something that I feel really passionate about , cause I think that the whole world is falling apart and I think at the root of the world being successful is bringing couples together . Okay , okay , if we build beautiful couples , they build beautiful families . If we build beautiful families , we've got a beautiful community , and if we build beautiful communities , we've got a fantastic world .
Speaker 1Amen .
Speaker 2We don't have a great world this moment . I mean , the world is wonderful . I , like you , know God's work , but our work and what we , the human race , have done , is not so pretty today . I'm not into politics , nothing .
Speaker 1No , no , no , we're into politics . No , no , no , we didn't do positive but just like .
Speaker 2It's just not the world that I would envision , and the only way that I know how to fix it is through building beautiful relationships with couples .
Speaker 3You know that there's a father whose son was killed on October 7th and he's a jeweler , and so what he ? I'm sure you know .
Speaker 2I don't know what the number he was up to , but he was up to in the 80s or 90s , so he donates one single diamond to any soldier who wants to get married oh , he gives him a diamond ring in the name of his son . Oh , that's amazing upwards of a hundred or now probably over a hundred . So he said , meet him .
Speaker 3Yeah , I'm sure it's in , so that his son , you know , passed away , but in his name that he's created all of these families .
Speaker 1That's so amazing . I did a fundraiser . It wasn't a fundraiser , it was a friend raiser . They paid me , but it was in someone's house for singles . It's between 30 and 40 years old . That was it , and it was Shidduchim were made there .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1Yeah , people met and there was one or two couples that got together and it was , it's amazing .
Speaker 2So I love it when those things happen and you get right one or two couples . But what happens to everybody else ? So my theory is , if you met somebody there and singles are more skilled than I am because the people they meet they know really well , they went on a date with them , they went on a few dates with them , they heard all the stories , they get a vibe so they're not for you . So you didn't waste your time . Go recommend them to a friend , Like everyone's . Like oh , I don't want to . You know , I don't want to .
Speaker 1So you're meeting somebody at the singles event and you go . You're not good for me , but I know someone you'd be great for .
Speaker 2Yes .
Speaker 1Yes .
Speaker 2Yeah , like so nice to meet you , not my type and they're like , oh , but I really want to be . And you're like , yeah , there's just nothing you can do . You're inherently wrong . Don't say that . This is like what's going through your mind , right , but after , after you have a nice conversation , you could say you know , I don't think this is a match for me , but I actually know somebody , I have somebody in mind . Would you mind if I made a connection and it's going to be normal , and you could just say Aliza told me I should do this ? I'm telling everybody you need to do this . It's so important . I think over 35% of matches are made through friends or family recommendations . It might be more . We have to do a study on this . Oh , that's also what I'm working on . I want , like I want peer reviewed studies , data .
Speaker 2I want information . Like , the Jewish matchmaking movement is a whole movement . It's a mindset , it's a training . We're going to have data . We're going to have study . You're going to see good things . I'm coming back again .
Speaker 1Whatever you want , we love you . Yeah , data Right .
Speaker 2We need data .
Speaker 1Because the only data you ever hear is one out of every two marriages has been divorced .
Speaker 2It's so not motivating .
Speaker 3It's so horrible .
Speaker 2People are like wow , and then ask the 50% that stay married , how many are happy ?
Speaker 1Right .
Speaker 2We're happy .
Speaker 1So in my show now I have a whole part about marriage advice where I ask the audience who's been married for many , many years and ask what their secret is , and they like yell it out . It's like my audience participation work , yeah .
Speaker 2My mother-in-law has a good answer .
Speaker 1What's hers ?
Speaker 2Patience and hearing aids .
Speaker 1Patience and hearing aids . Yeah , have patience and turn your hearing aid off .
Speaker 3I feel like I've heard people say that at your show .
Speaker 2That's the question Should it go up or should it go off ?
Speaker 1Yeah , most of the answers are yes , dear .
Speaker 3Yes , that's it .
Speaker 1Yes , dear , that's a start . Okay , yeah , Some people come up with individual ones Humor . They say but you see couples that are married like 35 , 50 years and they're like they have their . They say respect , respect .
Speaker 2And then you know , but you know that whatever is at the core of what they're saying , that's their secret sauce , but it's also their greatest challenge , right ? So like that's what they're dealing with . So if they say respect , so respect is the secret . Respect is also what they're struggling with the most , right ? So the hearing aids like yeah , it's funny , right ? So the hearing aids like yeah , it's funny , haha , but like being heard right or being understood , or like literal hearing or emotional hearing , either way . Right , this could just be a physical thing . It doesn't have to be an emotional thing . But like , at the core of it , that's what we're all really struggling with and it's true .
Speaker 1So whatever they're yelling out is what they're really struggling with yeah , you can turn this into a comedy bit .
Speaker 2Feel free to use it . Be like . I know Lisa told me it's your secret , but it's also your greatest challenge , like , the thing that you hold most sacred is probably also the thing that you struggle with the most .
Speaker 2I think that it is , I think , the things that we want , and everybody has different things . For some people it's loyalty . Why ? Because somebody in the past did something right . So with my partner , loyalty , it's the most important thing . There's always loyalty , trust , you know , I know right , Because that's what they struggle with . So that's their secret recipe .
Speaker 3I think Modi's secret recipe has always resonated with me what is it . You have three things . Oh , this is it . If everybody could follow here . You can use this in your app , yeah .
Speaker 1Our secret is hydrate , moisturize and be nice . That's it . That's all you need Just hydrate , moisturize . If you're not hydrated , you're going to be a mess and angry . If you're not moisturized , you don't feel good and just be nice . Just be nice . It's just easier to be nice . It's less effort than to be mean , and that's ours .
Speaker 3It's good , yeah , it's good .
Speaker 1That's ours . Yeah , oh God , how's your husband ?
Speaker 2He's good . He just had a full knee replacement . He's a bionic man . He got a new foot , a new knee , a new hip . He's young , he's working out .
Speaker 1How old is he ?
Speaker 258 years young 58 years young . 58 years young , okay , we have a 10 and a half year age gap between us .
Speaker 1Okay .
Speaker 2And , and I mean it works .
Speaker 1You and I have a 10 , 12 year age gap .
Speaker 2Yeah yeah , you can 10 and 12 , 22 years Comedian you're not a mathematician , it's fine , it depends who says it . Yeah , so I think I mean now my kids joke about , like you know , like it's not like in my
Jewish Relationships and Community Impact
Speaker 2house Is it raining . It's more like is it raining rockets today . Do we get to stay home or do we have to go to school ? And I'm like , oh , no , no , we're good you got to go to school .
Speaker 1I'm like , oh , when do you live in Israel ?
Speaker 2We live in Pardes , khana Pardes .
Speaker 1Khana .
Speaker 2Yeah , halfway between Haifa , near Qais Saria , near the port , it's actually very quiet there , it's you almost wouldn't even know anything's going on , unless you knew , and only you know . A few times did we have some uh , you know rockets yeah , a few but nothing , nothing that like impacted or or was significant . We don't feel the . The thing that we do the most is that we take people in from other places or we send support out to other people .
Speaker 1Yeah , and and October 7th , many Jewish people have become like I don't want to say more religious , but they've been doing more things like lighting candles , putting on tefillin , going to synagogue , doing things of that sort . Has that affected , like the matchmaking and the getting married situation , or no ?
Speaker 2So a lot of people had , like this awakening where they were feeling like I want to marry somebody Jewish , I want to be involved with my Judaism , and I don't know exactly what that looks like .
Speaker 3Like .
Speaker 2I don't want to be religious , but I do want to , like you said , light candles or put on tefillin , like I want to take an action and I want to live a Jewish life , however that I define that , whatever that means to me . And so we've seen people first of all redefining themselves , then redefining what they want in a relationship , and then having to like rewrite profiles and then go out there and then learn how to search differently , because you know it used to be like open to anything . And now it's like , well , if you don't support Israel , like I don't want to be alone . I just don't want to be alone anymore and I definitely don't want to live with my parents or take care of them my whole life . Like I want to take care of me in my life .
Speaker 2And then everybody went back to like quote , normal-ish . And then this happened . And then they're like whoa , okay , I not only don't I want to be alone , but I do want to be a part of a community , and I know it's a Jewish community and that's important to me . So there is this like latent , you know , judaism that's been buried inside of a lot of people that came out . That was like I should do something about that and related to my dating . That's probably where I should start , yeah .
Speaker 1And related to my dating . That's probably where I should start . Yeah , you know , in my show now I've also been addressing . In my last show I was about Sephardic Ashkenazi relationships and the differences and people were like so relieved and thank God , oh my God , Thanks for talking about that . And now I'm talking about couples that have gotten together that are not both Jewish , and you can really see relief . But my core thing is that just because you're with somebody who's not Jewish doesn't mean you're not Jewish and you can still do all of your things and do all of your mitzvot . And again , the goal is to bring Moshiach energy with whoever you're with , and so it's been a very , very interesting .
Speaker 2It's been tough for mixed marriages . It's hard because the Jewish side feels like you don't get me like to the core of really what's going on to my people , cause it's not your people .
Speaker 3I mean , it depends on the couple .
Speaker 2It depends on the relationship . But from the couples that are struggling I'll speak about . The ones that are struggling are like but you don't understand . It's not just like a little thing , it's really big . But for the couples that do understand , there's some couples that have gorgeous relationships .
Speaker 1Yeah , and they're helpful to each other . And yeah , and you're on the same page and you're not like , you don't understand , you're not Jewishish . It's like they should have built to the point where you understand who the jew that they're dating is and what their situation . But it it rocked , a lot of it rocked and put together many , many people . You know if all of a sudden , your , your , your lover , your , your spouse is , people are screaming , they , they should be killed . You're like , oh my God , this is talking about my soulmate here that's screaming about to kill and yell . So it brings people together too . But yeah , it's a very interesting journey . I'm going with the show .
Speaker 2I was going to say you're really tackling a lot of different angles and helping Jews to identify with their Judaism whoever they are , wherever they're at .
Speaker 1Absolutely .
Speaker 2It's a special thing to be able to tap into people .
Speaker 1Are you wrapping us up ?
Speaker 3No , not at all .
Speaker 1We are . Yeah , it's again to me , you it's bringing people together me . It's again to me , you it's bringing people together , me it's bringing Moshiach energy .
Speaker 2Whatever can create Bringing people together is bringing Moshiach energy .
Speaker 1We have the same goal Absolutely , absolutely Okay , so this book is available everywhere .
Speaker 2Everywhere , wherever you like to buy books . If you love Amazon , you can go there . If you love Barnes Noble , you can go there .
Speaker 1And you had this book launch , which was adorable .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1We were at the book launch at Wolf and Lamb . Lamb and Wolf .
Speaker 2Wolf and Lamb .
Speaker 1Wolf and Lamb . The food was delicious .
Speaker 2Fried pickles Did you have ?
Speaker 1the fried pickles . I had the fried pickles and we had the fried and the spicy tuna salad . I don't know what it was and it was such a nice event . And it was so it was your publisher through the event .
Speaker 2no , no , I threw the event . You threw the event With all of my you know closest influencer friends and friends of friends .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2So the whole goal was to bring out all of the Jewish influencers and to not just you know , it is a book event and it is exciting but also to say we're better together . Right , that's what I believe in my work , but I believe that professionally also . It's not just about couples we're better together , but even Jewish influencers , us helping each other to do better things in the world together . I think when we collaborate , we're better together . Right , you've got your audience , I got my audience . Good , let's share Whoever likes . Both go to both . Now you get more content . And I think it was a chance also for a lot of people that have only seen each other online to actually meet in person . People were so excited .
Speaker 3Yeah , that's really nice . I've been to a couple of events like that .
Speaker 1It's a very strange situation when you have a relationship with somebody that's online and you see them in person .
Speaker 2Mostly , they're really the same . Everybody that I met , I was like , oh , it's just you in the physical form , not you on my screen . It usually is Because they put out thousands of hours of content , like before I met you . It's like , yeah , of course I know him and you know everything about him . You've seen his face , you've memorized what it looks like , you know everything , you're not foreign , you feel very normal , very close . And then you meet them and you're like , oh , I actually never met you .
Speaker 1I know , but we've had that with Kim Kushner , a lot of people . That's how I met through online and in person , and I think it's wonderful . It's like a surprise . It's very wonderful . I like it . It's a great way . The book , the book , yes , how long have you been going ? I'm sorry , 28 . 28 . Oh , we have time . Anything , you ? I felt like . I felt like we got so much done .
Speaker 3We did it was so deep .
Speaker 1It was so , so deep . Oh my god , what else are you doing in America ?
Speaker 2so I love doing events and programs . So I was just in Brooklyn and ran a singles event . We do like 25 to 45 orthodox singles . Everywhere I go I have like a different 45 Orthodox singles . Everywhere I go I have like a different Hevra . Okay , Tomorrow night I'm going to be at Stand Up , New York . No way and we're going to do like a singles improv night . So we're going to bring people on stage and torture them . No , we're going to bring people on stage and we're going to be at stand up , new york where's that .
Speaker 2Uh , they're at bond 45 in like top square area like right in the heart of new york city , um , and , and it'll be this like , like I'm not , you're a comedian , right ? So I'm not a comedian , but I like to play banter , have fun and I really love that . Singles like relax , take the edge off like we need comedy to connect you know we need to make a whole singles comedy , something I don't know .
Speaker 1I've done so many singles events yeah , my earlier , like before , like theaters and all that . There's so many singles comedy events . It's the most genius thing because you have an hour and a half of them not having to talk to each other . But the and they laughed , and then they laughed , positive good endorphins , and then they can talk , and then you serve them alcohol .
Speaker 2Right , and then you let them talk .
Speaker 1Yes , so , but like it's not the , the initial person speaking is the comedian .
Speaker 2That's great . Okay , so let's do an event .
Speaker 3It's like the foreplay .
Speaker 2I like how you just jumped in there . No , it's true . It's true , it's the warm-up and it gets everybody .
Speaker 3We're doing all the hard work . In the beginning You're making everybody laugh . Two people are on a date . They don't have to show up as their best self , they just get to chill out while you do all the work . And then by the end they're drunk and ready to mingle .
Speaker 1And schmooze it away .
Speaker 3I was going to say hook up , but they're not allowed to touch , right . No , five days , it depends if we play by Aliza's rules , or just the world rules ? Well , I told you last time I did not follow your rules , and it still worked for you . Well , define , work , yeah , rules , and it still works for you ?
Speaker 1well , define work . Yeah , I've been married for 14 years incredible 14 years yeah , wow , we're going on nine years together . It's 22 wow , wow . Can I know ?
Speaker 2yeah , my in-laws . So they're married 63 years and I was like new , are you still learning new things about each other ? And they were like no , it's like is there anything that you don't you know , like you're not sure what they're going to say , and they're like no . And I was like like how do you keep it fresh and alive ? Like whatever , we still like . There's kind of like they're like fresh and alive , what are you talking about ? They're amazing . They're amazing they still travel . They how ?
Speaker 1old are they in their 80s , 80s , yeah ?
Speaker 280s and they've traveled to Israel and come and seen us . They met me and have been to my shows and programs . They've come on stage with me .
Speaker 3They're hysterical together . That's cute . That's a show . That's a good show .
Understanding Love Languages and Astrology
Speaker 3That's actually a great idea for a show to invite singles and have both of them on stage and you can ask them questions , and the people in , and you can ask them questions and the people in the audience can ask them questions too .
Speaker 2So we did not exactly that , but a little bit of that at their synagogue in their hometown and we brought them and another couple on stage . So the other couple was like a 23 year married couple and we're like how did you meet ? And how did you meet and what's your secret to success and what's yours ?
Speaker 2That's really fun did you meet and what's your secret to sex success and what's yours ? That's really fun . It was actually hysterical and also the if you have a multi-gen audience yeah , 20s through , you know , 60s , 70s , 80s , better yeah , yeah , yeah , it's great , it's the best .
Speaker 3I think that one thing , like one piece of advice or knowledge that I've learned from being in a relationship , is that you have to learn the other person's love language . Yeah , like , the way that somebody like shows appreciation is like very different from other people by learning it .
Speaker 2it's either learning it meaning so that I can do it for you , or learning it so that , when you do it wrong , I can interpret it in my brain and like , rewire it and go like oh , gifts , is your love language right , and I like words of affirmation . So you give me a gift and I'm going thanks , but I'm going to just like be like , thank you .
Speaker 3No , I don't want that garbage , but I'm saying there's a secret to the love languages .
Speaker 2Okay , like step one is like oh , learn the love language and speak their language .
Speaker 3Yeah , but not everybody does that . But you have to learn . That's the whole point .
Speaker 2Okay , but I'm telling you what he doesn't teach you . What he doesn't teach you is learn their love language , and even when they don't speak your love language and they get it wrong . Hear it and they're speaking their love language . Hear it .
Speaker 1What's the ?
Speaker 2intention behind it .
Speaker 2And you're like thank you . I have a girlfriend . She loves to give gifts , like she is a gift human . I'm not a gift human , I'm happy , thank you . It's sweet , it's wonderful , it's kind . Yes , thank you . But it doesn't like light me on fire .
Speaker 2Words of affirmation are my thing . So if you're like , hi , we love you , we love your show , and and they're like , does that bother you ? We're talking to you , I'm like , no , that's my love language , right so . But she gives me a gift and I'm like this is her love languages . This is how she's saying to me I care for you so much .
Speaker 2And she does words of affirmation , but I'm saying , when she gives it , like I hear it as if it's my language , because that's how she still needs to give , because that's her training , that's her release , and I know if I want to do something for her , I should do that . Right , like I don't expect other people to be mind readers , but I do try to teach people like a little bit of like the psychology behind it . Not that that's my field , but just you should understand if somebody can't speak your language . If you still understand each other Like I don't know , this is like random , but like nonverbal communication . I've now traveled all over the world . There are people that I meet and we cannot speak the same language , right , and I'm looking at them . No , no , no , we have that at the meet and greets .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah .
Speaker 2Hi . And they're like hi , I I know speak English .
Speaker 1You're like okay , you English , you're like okay , you're like , there's no need to , here's a hug and let's move on .
Speaker 2Right , but to communicate and to understand , even if you don't speak the same language . What's the meaning behind it ? Like , is it coming from a place of love where some people , right , you give me a gift , it's not my love language , right , and you know what my love language is , and you're still giving me a gift ? And they go , don't you know me already ? Like , by now you should know . It's not my thing , I don't need that . I don't need that tchotchke , right ? Okay , but I'm saying receive the gift .
Speaker 1As a word of affirmation .
Speaker 3And receive it as yeah , I'm saying don't give me a tchotchke Right .
Speaker 2I'm saying take it a level beyond that . No , there's ways to read people's there's ways to read people's uh , there's ways to read people .
Speaker 1You know what really helps the relationship more when you understand them so much more . Like I , you know what helps in that astrology tell me . So you know , kind of like , if someone's a tourist , they like to be comfortable . So when you say to them , hey , let's go to this restaurant , that's when you say , you know , if we go to this restaurant the seats are much more comfortable and it's not as loud that's manipulation .
Speaker 2How to get what you want . No , that's not manipulation . It's like , it's a way . It's a no , it's knowing how to speak to the people their language and it's not always , it's not always on , but it's um Pisces .
Speaker 1What would you say to me it's , it's um it's uh , we'll have a great run through it , we'll go , we'll get it be exciting , it's an adventure , it's an adventure are you into ?
Speaker 1astrology , no , but like just just for the being able to communicate , kind of like , uh , like when someone's in aries , they'll do anything in the world for you , but they have to be thanked , so you , when they made this big seder and big party for you , you say to them at the end you go without you , this couldn't have happened . You're done , done , you're done .
Speaker 2You made the night .
Speaker 1You made the night .
Speaker 2As long as you thank them , but he's telling you their love language through astrology
Secrets of Successful Relationships
Speaker 2.
Speaker 1Right .
Speaker 3This is very basic white girl .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , and it works and it works . It really really works Sometimes , sometimes it's really awesome , sometimes it's off , but it's it's , it's , it's off .
Speaker 2Depends if your birthday's on the cusp , oh my .
Speaker 3God . For me , I think what you said before . It's like I show my husband . These are the two choices , after I've already gone through all the seven other choices that I don't like .
Speaker 1Right .
Speaker 3And these are the two that I actually like , and so it's like the illusion .
Speaker 1Wouldn't he prefer to just say this is where we're going ?
Speaker 3No , I think he likes to think that he has an opinion An opinion gotcha . Not that he doesn't have an opinion . He has an opinion .
Speaker 1Right but .
Speaker 3I feel like I'm also doing him a little bit of a favor , because I'm cleaning out like all of the the garbage you could have gone to .
Speaker 2Yeah , yeah , I think that that's also one of the secrets of couples is that you develop your own language right , like you could be across the room and you could be like that thing .
Speaker 3Yeah , right , right like you know unless you're married to my husband because if you kick him under the table then he'll go . Why are you kicking me under the table ?
Speaker 2oh my husband would get along with you as well .
Speaker 1Yeah yeah , leo gives me the kicks under the table too , and you , you probably are . I know what he wants , I just do it . I realized what he wants , I just do it . I even talk about it in my show . I wasn't adding to the conversation . He kicks me like hey , the cappuccino . I love cappuccino . Um , yeah , yeah , no , Sometimes you you're in a dinner and it's boring and you focus out and he's like focus back in .
Speaker 3No , or guys telling a story that he has no business telling about , like some secret of , like a friend of a friend and I kick him under the table , oh gossip . Why are you kicking me under the table ? He'll say to me .
Speaker 1Oh , my God .
Speaker 2It doesn't change . By the way , that doesn't ever go away . You will forever be married to a man who will never get it .
Speaker 1Sorry , people do change . No , it's not true , people do change . I believe people change .
Speaker 3I think that's true too . I believe that 14 years he changed . Yeah , he has , he has , but not with the kicks . Yeah , not with the kicks . Tens of thousands of dollars in therapy .
Speaker 1Do you really spend money on therapy ? No , you don't spend money on therapy .
Speaker 3We've gone to therapy . Really , yes , it helped anything , oh my God , like life-changing ? Really yes , and I would imagine that you are familiar , because it's a very specific method . I didn't know this at first the Gottman method .
Speaker 2Love Gottman , that's who you go to .
Speaker 3What's Gottman ?
Speaker 2John and Julie Gottman have a love lab . They talk all they have the studies for years and years and years . They have studies . They will tell you that 69% of all problems cannot be solved .
Speaker 1Cannot be solved .
Speaker 2Cannot 69 , huh , I know , yeah , what a number . Okay , they could have rounded up , anyway only 31% , I can't say 70 .
Speaker 1They should have what else is ?
Speaker 2there Only 31% can be solved , which means you should focus on the 31% and everything else . You should just learn to manage because , you're never going to solve it .
Speaker 3It's the only methodology that it's based in studies of like decades of studying couples .
Speaker 2And research in years and years and years .
Speaker 3They're pretty amazing .
Speaker 1And you went to them or somebody .
Speaker 3No , we went to somebody who studied very closely with them and is friends with them , and it was you picked the best of the best .
Speaker 2I always do , you do .
Speaker 3I always do Present company included . But yeah , it was incredible , and it really was . I think it changed our relationship for the better , for sure . I couldn't get much worse at that point . No , I'm just kidding , they're not poor guy , not poor guy . Not poor guy . Guy is very well taken care of .
Speaker 2Couples have to do kind of this realignment and reattunement , and if it doesn't happen on a daily or a weekly basis , then you hit crisis . So one of the things that I try to help couples do is to say something they appreciate about each other once a week , once a day would be great Once a day . Yeah , once a day is not realistic .
Speaker 3It's totally realistic . You guys do that now , yes , you do that , or he does that , or you both do that . I think we both do that . I think that also , after you do this for a while , like you start to realize that like even something like thank you for vacuuming . I mean , I never vacuum , so nobody ever says that to me .
Speaker 1Leo does the laundry . I always thank him for doing the laundry . Leo does the laundry . I always thank him for doing the laundry . I know how he does it that's really nice . It's in the house , it's in the apartment , it keeps him a little busy he likes to heal .
Speaker 3He needs to be doing something . Are we going to talk about this book or no ? I feel like we have about what we were talking about before so here , give me the book , so give me the book you look beautiful on the cover , you look stunning .
Speaker 1I mean your hair is amazing there , your teeth , wow Gorge .
Speaker 3What did you say here ? What ?
Speaker 1I'm going to show this to the camera . This is the book , and the reason why I'm holding it like this is because the publisher that you love , appreciate , adore and think that they create Moshiach energy , made a little bit of a glitch . Let's not even call it a mistake .
Speaker 2Yeah , it was just like you know you clean up . You know like before you go to print you like clean photos up and like make sure they look their best to print .
Modesty and Misunderstanding in Relationships
Speaker 1And so they gave you a v-neck .
Speaker 2Well , no . So you see that there's a v-neck of a shirt . It's a white shirt , so at the top of the neckline , like this , you see how I'm wearing a black collar here it covers . I have such a good tan line . My neck is tan , but my the rest of my body's not right , so there was a shirt there , like a neutral skin tone kind of color shirt right it almost looks like a v-neck , but the collar's missing . It got like airbrushed out .
Speaker 1It got airbrushed .
Speaker 3It got cleaned up in the final cleanup .
Speaker 2Okay so they said , like it's not a big deal , it's okay , Like well , you know , like we'll redo it later . And I said no , no , like modesty is my brand , Like , yeah , like this is Hashem Moshiach energy . Like I dress modestly If I'm wearing a neutral color shirt , like you know , because you're going to see , even if it's neutral On the sleeves , yeah .
Speaker 2I'm covering my elbows , I'm covering my collarbones , I'm covering my knees . I just I dress modestly . I've been doing it for the last 22 years , since I became observant . I grew up secular , I became more observant .
Speaker 1It's technology that works for you .
Speaker 3It's technology . Can I push back here a little bit ?
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 3This is very modest . This is not no , it's a deep V . No , no , no .
Speaker 2If I was wearing this ?
Speaker 3No , no , it's not , it's not a deep V .
Speaker 1To you . This is not no , no , no .
Speaker 3I'm actually taking myself out of this Like I'm being very objective here . I'm not going by Periel because by Periel standards I'm not using my standards . I'm saying that you it's a little bit of a V-neck . Your arms are covered down to almost your wrist .
Speaker 2I literally my tan line stops here . I cover my collarbones all the time .
Speaker 3Right , your collarbones are covered , though here your collarbone is covered .
Speaker 2There was like , there is like a the neckline , the collar is lost . I'll show you If you look online . If you pull it up online go to Amazoncom , amazoncom and go look Matchmaker , matchmaker Elisa Ben Shalom , and you'll see there's a , if you zoom if you don't know you don't know and online everywhere when you look , you zoom in , you go like this and you're like oh yeah , there is a color there . Now you would assume that there's not . If you're secular cause , you wouldn't know the difference , right ? You would only know if you know .
Speaker 1Right , but actually let me show you where I see Moshiach energy here . Okay , at your event , at your lovely event at Lamb and Wolf Wolf and Lamb , wolf and Lamb . Wolf and Lamb . As soon as you went up to her , it's like what am I going to talk about ? It's like hi , I love you , what's going on ? Good to see you and she , right away goes . We're going to hold the book up , but this is the situation . She had a story to tell you about what happened with the publisher and the picture .
Speaker 2And I told everybody to put your cameras down . There's a whole sea of influencers like this . It's the first time I ever felt like paparazzi . They're all standing there like this with the camera .
Speaker 1With the camera right .
Speaker 2And I was like everybody put it down . You don't record this because I have an excellent relationship with my publisher . I value them highly and it was just an error . It was like an error .
Speaker 3But I think that if you didn't say anything , nobody would even notice that .
Speaker 2Unless you're religious . So even wait a minute . I'm going to tell you .
Speaker 1But even for her , it's for her , not for the people for her . That's not a look she does . The people for her that's not a look she does . I have a good girlfriend who's religious . That's not a look she does .
Speaker 3Yes , fine , I understand that . But I have a good girlfriend who's religious . She wears what is it .
Speaker 2A tichel A wig .
Speaker 1A wig , a shade .
Speaker 3It's not like a full wig , a fall . Okay , it's like a part like .
Speaker 2It's like you put it in oh , like a clip-on , like a kippah fall . They call it a kippah fall Really .
Speaker 3She's gorgeous .
Speaker 1Okay .
Speaker 3And she has four children and she became religious leader in life and she is the most stylish girl I know and everything is covered , but she wears quite form-fitting clothes . So , listen , I'm the last person to judge . But well , it depends for what . But I feel like , you know , if this is a little here as opposed to something's a little bit tight , aren't we like splitting hairs at that point ?
Speaker 1The choosing people , we're the choosing people , and she , she , it's not her look I know , but I'm trying to so I'll tell you what .
Speaker 2I sent the book out with the proper cover , right , uh , electronically to some friends , some religious friends and some , a few people , not one , more than one sent back oh , I can't have this in my house , in my community , anything . I can't promote it because you're not dressed modestly . No , wow .
Speaker 2So I said to them what are you talking about ? My first answer was what are you talking about ? Because I didn't know what they were talking about . This was the first time it came up . Okay , they said , well , you're a little bit exposed . I said , no , I'm wearing a shirt , it's a shell , it just is like .
Speaker 2It's like a beige , it's like a skin tone , kind of a color they're like , and they went like this . They were like oh , because it's , you know , small on your phone . They go oh , I didn't know that . I said I don't have a problem that you didn't know that . But the problem that I have is you thought or assumed something about me which is so off brand for me , right , you actually don't even know me . You don't know me and my greatest , deepest pleasure in life is being understood . And I felt completely misunderstood . And now I'm going to be blacklisted in a community because you think something you didn't even look close enough to verify . They go oh , I'm so sorry , I didn't realize that . And then it's like oh well , why did you pick this instead of that ? And I was like okay , I happened to have done a photo shoot . You know , a while ago I had a whole bunch of things . I'm changing outfits . I hate styling , okay .
Speaker 1It's the hardest thing .
Speaker 2I hate it . My girlfriend loves it . I like matching , I like matchy-matchy , right , why did I do matchy-matchy ? Because I couldn't figure out what color to wear and I didn't know what it had to go with and what I was going to use it for . So I had a white shirt with like a neutral color top . Why ? Because it matched , because it was blending , because it was easy , because I hate styling . That's why I had it . I wasn't trying to look a certain way or I would have told the publisher make it pink .
Speaker 1Color my shirt Anything .
Speaker 2Put some coloring in there , make it different , so it actually does stand out , put a turtleneck , like I'm a U-boat commander . Do anything . I didn't even think of it , I didn't even think of it .
Speaker 3Well , you know what we can do . We can go into the bookstores and just tape like put like a sticker on top .
Speaker 1I thought that the Netflix sticker was a sticker I was going to put on top of that Number one bestseller .
Speaker 2Right over top . No , so online it's accurate and the date got pushed back . It went from December 3rd to January 21st . The book is going to be released .
Speaker 1But it's a part of the story now . It's a part of the story .
Speaker 3It's a great conversation and it's a conversation .
Speaker 1And you know what it's like .
Speaker 2You said it's part of the story and you know what it's like . You said it's just it's not a part of your brand and you have to know yourself 100% . So if somebody tried to change you and do something , that's exactly not who you are you don't fit . Same way with dating , Like if you have to really twist yourself in a pretzel to be somebody who you're not to be with somebody else , this is the wrong fit .
Speaker 1That's how you take this story about the shirt , the whole thing . No , I completely . First of all , going on photo shoots is the most miserable experience in the world .
Speaker 2You have to hire a stylist .
Speaker 1I have Leo and the guy and the stylist and the makeup and he's done . Leo is amazing .
Speaker 2But from then it's so much easier .
Speaker 1Maybe I'm wrong .
Speaker 3You just have to take Leo with you everywhere . That's the solution .
Speaker 1That's the solution .
Speaker 2No no , I do a one outfit . This is my show outfit . I love you in a cape Do you have that cape in multiple colors .
Speaker 3No , you know what you should get it . I could see . This is my color , I know , I know , I know and I know the hot pink is your color and it's great . I'm just saying that that cape is , I can imagine even in like a black leather .
Speaker 2I know , but so black on black doesn't pop the lady . So can I just tell you , yes , this is one of a kind .
Speaker 2I was on a Pesach retreat in Greece . Oh , and I went into this store . You know , you go in the little shops and it's so cute , and this lady has this cape in black and in green and in blue and she's like , oh , I said this is lovely . I said this is lovely . I said I need it in pink . She goes no , no , you'll want it , you'll see black , it's lovely . I said I want it in pink . Matchmaker magenta . I named the color . I want it in matchmaker magenta . She says how long will you be here ? I said eight days . It's Pesach . She said come back , I'll order it for you . She special ordered it from Italy and had it .
Speaker 2Oh , that's great , and I got my cape , and it's so like I don't want it in any other color .
Speaker 1Superhero , matchmaker , superhero . It's great , it's so great . Oh my God . Okay , I cannot thank you for coming back . I wish you nothing but amazing Hatzlacha Mashiach energy with this book . May it bring happiness to so many people . Again , it's on Amazoncom . In case you don't know where to find Amazon , it's called Matchmaker . Matchmaker , make Me , find Me a Love that Lasts . Find Me a Love that Lasts . That's so great . How does the song go Find Me ?
Speaker 3a .
Speaker 2Catch Me a Catch , and I want to write the last line and find me a love that lasts and find me a love that lasts .
Speaker 1Oh beautiful .
Speaker 3You can find me on modilivecom and a big thank you to our sponsors big .
Speaker 1Thank you to our sponsors . Yes , thank god , we have to have Moshiach Energy sponsors . We have Weitz in Luxembourg , the law firm that not only does Big . Thank you to our sponsors . Yes , thank God , we have to have Mashiach Energy sponsors . We have Weitz and Luxembourg , the law firm that not only does well , they do good
Worldwide Comedy Tour Announcement
Speaker 1.
Speaker 1Super philanthropic Arthur , luxembourg friend of the podcast , randy . His wife listens to the podcast to tell him what we're talking about and A&H Provisions Glot Kosher Meats best hot dogs in the world . The website is kosherdogsnet kosherdogsnet and they are great and 30% off of your first order with promo code MOTI . And I'm going to be all over the world . We have motilivecom for all your tickets . We have shows in Austin , in Houston , in January 21st and 23rd , and then we added a show in Houston , so also the 22nd , and we're going to be in February . We're going to be in Phoenix and then the shows in the Parker Playhouse in Fort Lauderdale and then also a Tampa gig on the 13th . Everything's on morilivecom and there's also shows in March and just look online , morilivecom , get some tickets , be the friend that brings the friends to the comedy show and we'll see you all there . Thank you very much for listening .